This is filled with so much hilarious win! Worth at least a watch once. You will laugh your ass off... or your gold back! :P :)

x Jeremy M.

I have been back since last thursday evenng to be precise, but I thought it would be nice to put in a few words. Camping at big lake was fun. It was very relaxing. I got to read some books mostly from the Robert Jordan Wheel of Time series. I very much like them so far. I got to do some hiking... in the rain. I got to watch the lake ripple and look pretty. I got to do a 5 or so mile bike ride in lovely cool weather. Even when it was rainy it was beautiful. My parents rented a motor home, and it was very comfy. Yet man was I a stinking mess after all that even with the occassional showers we were able to have. Man long hair is hard to maintain in those conditions.

I also had a long hard discussion with Sarah to about our relationship. I had done some things majorly wrong. She also made some mistakes of her own as well. Overall fault? None or both of us to some extent or another. What did we decide? Well... we never really dated as odd as it sounds, and maybe we missed an important step in our relationship. So we decided to give each other a bit of space, and we will start dating again. More or less try again from the beginning and go alot slower this time. You know... I am very much ok with this. I can't count the number of times I have dived head first into a relationship going full bore and damn the brakes! I basically did it again with sarah, but now we are backing up and going "Oh wait... we can do this different... we can do this better... and so we shall try it."

I hope for the best with that. With things like this I often will be quite optimistic, and I don't suppose that will hurt any.

Only other thing... School starts August 25th, and I am starting to get ready for it. I can't tell you if you will see more posts from me or not while I am busy in school. Yet this time around I am going to try to take a more serious tact with it. It relly needs to be my biggest focus and prime concern. I need to do the best I can and every little thing counts more than anything elsein the world. No more slacker. Every point I can possibly earn can mean the difference in a letter grade. I have to treat each point that way, and do my best... and do *everything*.

Anyways... I need to go buy shoes and stuff for school and things like that. I will catch you all later!

x Jeremy M.

I will be completely offline and more or less out of touch for about 2 weeks.

I will be gone from Monday July 21st to about Monday August 4th. I will be off camping in the woods with my family around good ole Big Lake. Which I recently learned was very near the Arizona/New Mexico border somewhere north of midway north/south of the border. I guess it makes more sense if you know where it is.

Anyways... I will have my cel phone, but I will otherwise be out of contact. I have a link on my profile that will allow friends of my LJ to send text messages, but that may be the only way I can be reached online.

Pass on that I am out if people ask about where I am.

Hope you all have fun, and see ya when I get back!

x Jeremy M.

The short version of what is below is basically that any form of contraception is the same as abortion, and it to be suspended and/or to be made illegal. That means no rubbers, no pills, no diaphrams(sp?), no morning after pills... nothing. If you have sex, then you must follow through till birth of a children from that act. Get your attention? Read on, and please follow the link to see other information on this as well. Do searches to see how far this has gone. We have the information out there... we just have to look for it, and understand... and then be willing to act on what we see to protect our rights.

One thing I must say: Also find other sources of news and information on this topic, and try to be as sure of any "facts" as possible. If anything the internet is to be taken with a grain of salt... the size of texas. I could have some of the information wrong, but I still believe that the government may be going in the wrong direction in this case.

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HHS Moves to Define Contraception as Abortion
I also was shown this link as well to be considered:
HHS Moves to Define Contraception as Abortion – What’s The Real Story

In a spectacular act of complicity with the religious right, the Department of Health and Human Services Monday released a proposal that allows any federal grant recipient to obstruct a woman's access to contraception. In order to do this, the Department is attempting to redefine many forms of contraception, the birth control 40% of Americans use, as abortion. Doing so protects extremists under the Weldon and Church amendments. Those laws prohibit federal grant recipients from requiring employees to help provide or refer for abortion services. In the "Definitions" section of the HHS proposal it states,

"Abortion: An abortion is the termination of a pregnancy. There are two commonly held views on the question of when a pregnancy begins. Some consider a pregnancy to begin at conception (that is, the fertilization of the egg by the sperm), while others consider it to begin with implantation (when the embryo implants in the lining of the uterus). A 2001 Zogby International American Values poll revealed that 49% of Americans believe that human life begins at conception. Presumably many who hold this belief think that any action that destroys human life after conception is the termination of a pregnancy, and so would be included in their definition of the term "abortion." Those who believe pregnancy begins at implantation believe the term "abortion" only includes the destruction of a human being after it has implanted in the lining of the uterus."

The proposal continues,

"Both definitions of pregnancy inform medical practice. Some medical authorities, like the American Medical Association and the British Medical Association, have defined the term "established pregnancy" as occurring after implantation. Other medical authorities present different definitions. Stedman's Medical Dictionary, for example, defines pregnancy as "[t]he state of a female after conception and until the termination of the gestation." Dorland's Medical Dictionary defines pregnancy, in relevant part, as "the condition of having a developing embryo or fetus in the body, after union of an oocyte and spermatozoon."

Up until now, the federal government followed the definition of pregnancy accepted by the American Medical Association and our nation's pregnancy experts, the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, which is: pregnancy begins at implantation. With this proposal, however, HHS is dismissing medical experts and opting instead to accept a definition of pregnancy based on polling data. It now claims that pregnancy begins at some biologically unknowable moment (there's no test to determine if a woman's egg has been fertilized). Under these new standards there would be no way for a woman to prove she's not pregnant. Thus, any woman could be denied contraception under HHS' new science.

The other rarely discussed issue here is whether hormonal contraception even does what the religious right claims. There is no scientific evidence that hormonal methods of birth control can prevent a fertilized egg from implanting in the womb. This argument is the basis upon which the religious right hopes to include the 40% of the birth control methods Americans use, such as the pill, the patch, the shot, the ring, the IUD, and emergency contraception, under the classification "abortion." Even the "pro-life" movement's most respected physicians cautioned the movement about making these claims. In 1999, the physicians -- who, like the movement at large, define pregnancy as beginning at fertilization-- released an open letter to community stating:

"Recently, some special interest groups have claimed, without providing any scientific rationale, that some methods of contraception may have an abortifacient effect...The 'hormonal contraception is abortifacient' theory is not established fact. It is speculation, and the discussion presented here suggests it is error...if a family, weighing all the factors affecting their own circumstances, decides to use this modality, we are confident that they are not using an abortifacient."

As the HHS proposal proves, the absence of fact or evidence does not slow anti-abortion movement attempts to classify hormonal contraception as abortion. With HHS' proposal they have struck gold. Anyone working for a federal clinic, or a health center that receives federal funding -- even in the form of Medicaid -- and would like to prevent a woman from accessing most prescription birth control methods has federal protection to do so. As the HHS proposal details,

"Because the statutes that would be enforced through this regulation seek, in part, to protect individuals and institutions from suffering discrimination on the basis of conscience, the conscience of the individual or institution should be paramount in determining what constitutes abortion, within the bounds of reason. As discussed above, both definitions of pregnancy are reasonable and used within the scientific and medical community. The Department proposes, then, to allow individuals and institutions to adhere to their own views and adopt a definition of abortion that encompasses both views of abortion.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It is my opinion that this is wrong, and that women should have the right to contraception and/or abortion (so long as the fetus is not self sustainably viable). People need to be aware what our government is trying to impose on us. More so... we must be willing to get up and fight for our personal rights! This is imcomprehensible to show up in this day and age!

x Jeremy M.

Well... I have to admit that I haven't really written in here for a long time. Why? I haven't got much to say it seems. I dunno why, but keeping up with my journa by writing entries seems tedious. More work than I want to do. I have no trouble keeping up with other people that I keep an eye on, but that is a bit more passive.

I guess I should be honest and say I am a bit afraid of what I might write. I have been know to be quite blunt and tactless most of the time. I am very literal, and very honest and truthful. This is not to say I never lie or stretch the truth sometimes, but for the most part I am a very honest person. This is nearly to a fault, and I may say things I didn't quite mean. Even easier is to write things that I may not quite mean the way people read them. The meaning of the words are different from me, but because of my perspective on life and the history I have had. History I can't quite translate to the written word with any success. (I have tried before, but got feed up due to impatience)

I also have gotten in alot of trouble wth people I cared about alot with things I have written in livejournal. I have lost friends, and after a manner of speaking I had lost my wife as well. Though that didn't have everything to do with livejournal, but it was a small part of it as well. So yeah... I am a bit skittish about writting what is on my mind when I am constantly thinking about the possible consequence of angering someone and losing a friend due to a misunderstood passage I wrote.

The old saying used to be... "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me!" Yet as one gets old you learn how untrue this saying really is. Oh yeah sticks and stones wil still break my bones, but friends and loved ones lost due to upset about the words I say seems a more crushing blow in my mind.

I learn and grow. Acquire new friends, and in a way new loved ones. I am just afraid of the possibility that such things may be a cycle, and I will just end up losing alot of people I care about again. Hell... it can be such a drama sometimes, and I hate drama. Yet some people would think so when they look at the way I run my life.

Yet I hold to my old mantra... "Live and Learn... Hope and Try... Grow or Die..."

So in all this mutterings about myself... what is there to know about me?

Well... Summer has come for me and I am out of school for it. My final grades in ASU was Unix: A, Math brief calc: C, Macro economics: C, Communications: E(failure). This burns me alot as I know my comm grade could have been saved, but due to a clumsy error of my alarm clock... I lost any chance of saving it. I have to retake the class, and don't make the mistakes of before. I could have gotten a better grade on math if I had turned in all my homework. I missed only 1 assignment for econ, but when you only get 4 in the entire semester... it hurts to miss it. I otherwise did very well in econ. Unix was a presumed A before I started. Yay my ego. I didn't do the homework there either because I presumed I would pass easily on tests alone. Yay my ego. I was told if people didn't turn in their homeork te teacher would fail us regardless of our test scores. *Smack* my ego... damn bitch. I should really leave my computer superiority ego behind. I mean... I am not even that good at computers anymore like I was when I was younger. I was good, but it got more complex and at a point I let it pass me by. Now I find I know little of anything these days. Yeah I understand basics, but I am at a loss for anything else. So I must relearn what I believed I was already good at. Because I am not anymore.

I need to just get of my high horse in general. I used to be a very good student... in high school. Near Straight A student without trying. I was bored most of the time in school because I easily learned the material and passed all the other students up, and then had to twiddle my thumbs and wait as they caught up. Yet when you step back and realize the scope nd level of cmplexity of hih school... you quickly realize there was very little you learned from that institution as compared to college. They make that shit easy on purpose. In some cases college is not that much better, but they are more adament about holding you to you responsibility and making you accountable for your work. In short I actually have to do it whether it is tedious or easy or not. If I don't... I lose at least a letter grade. In some cases I fail the class. In all cases I just make it harder than it has to be. Easy busy work for points. Seems sensible what I must do. It's not like I don't have the time really. I dont' have a job or anything else to occupy my life. Just school, and my family/friends relationships. My relationship with Sarah. Things like that. It does take time, but it doesn't take so much as I can't get everything done and still have time to be lazy. So what does that mean? Score one for procrastination. My greastest sin.

Anyways... onward. Whatelse am I doing? I am reading a big book that is called "His Dark Matterials" which is a combination of "The Golden Compass", "The Subtle Knife", and "The Amber Spyglass". All by Philip Pullman. I must say it has been a very drawing story. An unusual battle for heaven and hell kind story with an odd twist... or many of them. It is a good book, ad I am still working on the 3rd part, but I would still recommend it to people. Funny how the movie they made based on it pales in comparison to the book. They got the main points more or less, but mixed up the order slightly. The movie lost alot of detail though, but given the depth of the story... it is easy to see why.

Other things. Sarah and I are getting along very well. I would be lying if I said we didn't have our speed bumps. To me they seem like speed mountains at times. There have been moments so tense where I felt I had to pack up and go. I felt so certain that was the only choice that I nearly had done so, but after a little time... a night of sleep... a bit of thought... I settled down and decided that I still loved her more, and I would just keep trying because she does mean that much to me. There are times she has admitted to me she was surprised I hadn't left already. I guess she doesn't realize I am good at being tolerant, and putting up with alot of shit. Oh I complain about it mightly at times, but I still bear with it. There have been times in the back of my mind where I wonder if she is trying to push me away. She wants to make it so I walk away in frustration because she doesn't have the heart to end the relationship herself. I don't think that truly is the case, but she is very uncertain because she has not had a relationship last this long successfully. We may have our problems at times, but by and large I think our relationship has been a very successful one. I am still not willing to back down or give in on it in the least... I will only leave when I am told to go.

My kids are doing well. Though it has been a while since I have seen them. They have gotten to spend a week in Massachusetts. Laura and the kids went with Dirk to visit his family back east. I have to say I was a bit scared and hesitant to hear my kids travelling so far away. Even just for a vacation. Perhaps it is a bit of my paranoia welling up in me. Yet after I thought about it one sunday evening... I told them all to learn all they can about this new place, and find something they love about it. Learn and grow. The best bit of advice I can pass on to my wonderful children. I hope they have fun.

My mom and dad are doing well, and so is great grandma. They are having some vacations for the summer. Off to the woods in northern arizona. I may be doing some house sitting for them on one or more of these trips as well. Yet I do hope to get to go along on their big trip that will be their last one. It may sound strange, but I need to get away from everything. Different place, and a change of pace. Perhaps I would appreciate what I have more if I get away from it for a little while and cme back to look upon it all with refreshed eyes and mind.

I was going to look for a job this summer, and honestly I have trieds. I can't say I have tried very hard, but things came up over the summer to make it a bit less feasible to get a job. The temp agency I normally work with and has done well with me before... just isn't working now. My parents need some help, and that would mean I would have to stop working for about a week almost. Then the camping trip I don't want to miss... and then school rather shortly thereafter. Not much time it seems at all. I often notice that as I get older. A few months always seem like less and less time available to do anything.

So that is pretty much what has happened for a while. Last few months. It has been difficult a times, but if you ask me... they were al good times. I shall learn from the disappointments, and remember the happyness. I shall hope for more happiness in the future, and do the best I can to make the right decisions.

I will try to endevor to perservere. (or... I shall try to try to try!)

I guess I shall leave it there for now. I don't know when I will write again, but most of you will hear from me in one way or another. I wish you all the best as well!

x Jeremy M.

Issue 12: Midnight hour is live in City of Heroes/Villains.

Look at this awesome Trailed made by samurai_ko
Of the LiveJournal city_of_heroes Community for the game.



Also see her site at:
http://www.samuraikoproductions.com/Videos.html

It is a most awesome issue with many Quality of Life tweaks, and new classes and powersets added to everyone. If you used to be a player... it is worth checking out again for sure. If you have never been a player of it before. I highly suggest giving it a try!

x Jeremy M.

"Pilot Makes Incredible Flight Wearing Only Jet Powered Wings"

See link:
http://www.citynews.ca/news/news_22729.aspx

Ya have to see the video in the article. All I could say was "holy crap!!!"

x Jeremy M.

Link to original post:
http://community.livejournal.com/city_of_heroes/2746517.html

CoXer's[City of Heroes/Villains] Prayer
Last night on the LJ channel, someone mentioned they were PUG'ing and said "Pray for me." From that came this:

Our father who art The Statesman
Hallowed be thy game
Thy updates come
Thy will be done
Online as it is your vision
Give us this day rare salvage drops
And forgive us our farming
As we forgive those who spam blind invites
And lead us not into PVP zones
But deliver us from real money traders
For thine is the server, and the XP, and the leveling
Forever and ever (so long as we pay $14.95 a month)
Amen.

(May not be an exact transcript. I had the whole drive in to work this morning to fine-tune it in my head.)

-----------------------------------

Link to original post:
http://community.livejournal.com/city_of_heroes/2747111.html#cutid1

The Villain's Creed
This took some work, but was inspired by patrickat 's amusing brilliance.



The Villain's Creed

We believe in Lord Recluse, the Leader Almighty, the ruler of heaven and earth, of things here and everywhere.
And in four patrons, the lackeys of Lord Recluse, the semi-trusted of the Leader Almighty, the in-charge-for-now, that are of only slightly lesser importance than the Leader.
Leaders of leaders, darkness of darkness, true bad-a**es of true bad-a**es, self-made and proud of it, of nearly the same nature as the Leader (but not quite as powerful), who has final say in all things, on heaven and earth, here and anywhere else.
Who for all humanity and for their ruling came to Grandville, were chosen, very definitely NOT human, and chosen for mostly-perfect evil by the Lord Recluse.
And who took body, soul, and mind of all villains who come through, commanding everything that is in man (in Recluse's name of course), truly and not in semblance (because faking it gets you killed).
They make us suffer, they crucify us, they bury us, so we may rise again (thanks to MedComp, and in less than three days unless they're really backlogged), to ascend back into the zone with the same body, so we might eventually sit at the right hand of the Leader.
They will come with the same villainy and with the glory of the Leader, to judge the living and the dead (and assign us to one of those two categories); of his empire, there is no end.
We believe in the Leader's spirit of evil, in the uncreated (yet) and the perfect; which speaks through the EULA, the developers, and the User Guides; which came down upon Grandville, preached through the ubiquitous TV screens, and lived through the creation of City of Villains.
We believe also in only One, Universal (we think big), and unholy Organization; in one archetype in choosing, for the commission and celebration of villainy; and in the resurrection of the dead (for mastermind use, of course), in the everlasting pounding of heroes' bodies, and in the empire of Arachnos and in the everlasting good life!

Okay, so I'm going to hell...

Michelle
aka
Samurai_ko

-----------------------------------

I found these two funny, and I wished to save them for future reading on my behalf. Great stuff!

x Jeremy M.

Something about dragons...

http://altermeta.net/archive.php?comic=0&view=showfiller

I like the art style, and the story seems interesting, but I have only read thru the first 4 pages or so. I will want to read this more, and so I post this link here.

If anyone else finds it interesting, then let me know. Yet don't spoil the story for me please.

Have a great one!

x Jeremy M.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Difference_Engine

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steampunk

For later reading and research.
Steampunk is interesting.

x Jeremy M.

Well there is not much I feel I need to say, but I will try to ramble about a few things in my daily life and otherwise.

School has been tough for the last month. I have been constantly behind in at least 2 classes at any given instance. Which two I am behind on has changed at any given day. Mostly I was behind on what would really be an easy class for me. Why? well... I figured I would pass the class on tests like so many other classes. In time I would be told it was being done more like pass/fail. Do all the homework and assignments, and I would get graded for what I did well. Miss any of it, and I would fail the course. Eeeep!

Needless to say I went back and eventually got it all done. I am happy to say I am all caught up now. This motivated me to also stay caught up on all my other work as well.

So far I think I am more or less averaging a B in all classes. Nothing is at a A level, but only one class is at a C level. My need to be accountable and keep up with it all has been a very trying lesson to learn, but makes me realize how important all the tedious work can be actually. I still appreciate it a whole heck of alot more when such busy work for practice was more optional than mandatory. Ah well.

In my personal life... I am still in my relationship with Sarah. We have talked about so many things at so many different times. The most notable and recent things we had talked about is children. As in would we want to progress to a point in our relationship where we decided to have another child together. On one hand we both think it would be kinda a nice idea, but on the other hand we are not feeling so young anymore. Not sure that would be quite the challenge we would want to take on again for either of us. Yet my final answer is that I wouldn't mind being a father to another child, and going through all the trials of a baby again. Truthfully I liked it when did so with my first two girls. I never got to raise my boy at all directly. He was born after my marriage was well ended and we lived seperately. He was literally conceived the night before the last time me and Laura would live together. That is how it seems anyways. Not sure when it really was, but I guess it is sorta irrelevant.

Anyways, one of the things I have always wanted is a child that got to inherit my red hair. Yeah... it is my one source of vanity for me, and otherwise I am not a very vain person. In talking with Sarah I found out she has a mostly red head family. I guess it is pretty dominant in her family. In my family it is kinda in the family, but not quite so dominant. Prolly my all my kids came out blond. It is heavy in Laura's family, and minorly dominant in my family. (They are light browns and various types of blond)

Yet I guess there is no way of knowing just how the child comes out, and that is even if we decide to go that far. One thing Sarah told me, and I completely understand, is that she doesn't want to start something like that only to be left alone to take care of the child. She has been a single mother for about all of Kyle's 12 years. She won't do it again if she can help it. That is fine by me. I am not the type to abandon a person. When all is said and done, the reason my marriage ended was not because I wanted to abandon Laura, but because she somehow felt she needed to abandon me. I will never pretend to understand, but that was her choice. So if Sarah wanted to have another child, then I think I can say I will be there to help for as long as she can stand me. :P :)

In all reality, it is a bit down the road anyways. We have been together for about half a year (more really), and not even a full year has quite elapsed. That event would happen in august, or the beginning of my fall semester for ASU. (That is when we started before) I also told her it would really be best if we held off such decisions till I am done with school (or both of us are), and that way the stress of being in school won't be a factor in our family life. (I am cautious... it caused problems before)

I guess this says alot about where Sarah and I stand in our relationship with each other. Yet neither of us is completely sure this is the appropriate thing. One thing we both often remind each other of is that we have actually no idea what a good normal healthy relationship is. Neither of us has ever had one. If we did I guess we would have never gotten back together again. So what is normal??? I look to so many friends and people I have known in my life and how there relationships have gone. Hardly seems normal in any sense of the word. My parents have a loving but quirky relationship. It seems to work, and yet I never truly know why or how. It is kinda the same way with Sarah's parents as well. Leaves one to conclude the whole fricking world is just dysfunctional at the most common denominator. So what are we? Well we are generally happy when we are together. So... as long as we feel happy and we can tell each other how we feel as frankly as possible... then this is normal and/or good?

I hope so. It is the way I am trying to handle it. Like my favorite stolen saying:
The truth can set you free.

Or maybe perhaps:
Do what you wish... So long as it harms none.

Or possibly:
All you say and all you see... Is all affected by the rule of three...
Give even a small measure of joy... and 3 times the joy returns...
Give the slightest of pain... and 3 time the pain rules your life...
(makes one rather cautious in life, eh?)

Anyways, may all my friends be blessed, and I wish you happiness in all things!
x Jeremy M.

see more crazy cat pics

Basement cat and Ceiling cat are ready for the epic battlez for yer soulz!

x Jeremy M.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W1czBcnX1Ww

Ok... I can't express how amazing this really is unless you have some background about how difficult some of the simple actions it is taking is for a computer and/or robot. We take it for granted as people that when we make a error we correct ourselves on the fly and in fractions of a second to keep ourselves from falling or to cope with a sudden change of environment. (Like slipping on ice.)

This may seem awkward and unusual looking, but trust me when I say it is the most amazing feat of robotics I have seen to date. A great deal of this amazing feat is being taken care by the robot itself. The remote control only tells it what direction to go. The rest is up to this complex machine to figure out have to travel there without losing much speed or falling down due to unstable environment.

A bit more work, and a bit faster computing power, and these machines will soon have a level of grace that will easily surpass the real life or natural equivolent. Like a robot dog that runs and plays as agily as a biological dog.

When you take that feat above, and then look at this equally impressive feat below:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EeWT-fuUyEY
(sorry... embed was not available so you may need to check out the link if you wish.)

You realize that robotics and computing power is slowly starting to catch up to the level of mankind.

The question is how will we adapt the technology to us, and how will we adapt to our technology? Will we eventually mesh seemlessly with it? Will we become envious, and create our own worst enemy. I am sure in the end it may have elements of these ideas and more.

We as a species need to meet the questions about what this may mean to us when machines become at least equally as capable as humans. How we can ethically face this issue when it eventually arises. (it is only a matter of time) Come up with ways to accept when we find that machines may have the ability to exceed our own abilities not only physically but quite likely at a mental level as well. How will we cope, and co-exist with this level of technology.

One thing I strive for and hope beyond hope... is that we can come up with a peaceful and tolerant form of coexistence that is mutually beneficial for all. That we learn not to be master, but parent. Not to be overlord, but teacher. That we come to a time that we can learn from the children of sentience that we have created.

Seeing this leads me to believe that we need to consider these many factors more sooner than later.

x Jeremy M.

http://www.firechildren.net/lightfire/library/?p=135#comment-5

Link to Panya's little bit of story on the Chibi's on victory.
Yay for the children of our Lady of the Immaculate Chainsaw!

x Jeremy M.

For those times when you really want your game to be old school...



Duh duh da duh dum

x Jeremy M.

I found this funny...



For those who played World of WarCraft... pure gold.
For those who have not... Pure WTF?!?

I liked it.

x Jeremy M.

I found another great link to something very similiar, but it didn't allow embeds:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uW_pl7BGNd8
(I thought this one was better for what I was thinking...

I don't want to be so far away for far to long again.

x Jeremy M.

Danger!!! Gonads and strife!!!
May not be safe for work! Or drinking milk...
Or cola...
Or other stuff...

http://patrickbarry.com/fun/flash/weee.swf

OMFG wheee!!!!


x Jeremy M. - Just friking weird...

I hate LJ... I been typing for the last half hour and some accidently hit home while I was holding down the shift... and then slip to hit another letter. Erasing... everything I wrote for the last half hour. 30 minutes of writing work to spill my guts... destroyed in .25 seconds of finger slips. There is no undo button. I really hate that. Much hate.

Well... I put alot of thought and wrote many things, but of course I can't recall exactly how I wrote it, and once expressed it kinda pours out of me mentally and emotionally and often I can't quite reproduce it. All I can do is seeth with hate at LJ for not giving me a option to go back thru auto-saves to find the point where I screwed up, and restoring it.

Ok... take two.

Well... I said some bit about still being afraid to post, and this was for a couple of reasons. One was self worth issues. I mean really... is my life really all that great that I should write about it for all to see? I often don't think so.

Second is fear. People whom would be motivated to use what I say against me to jeopardize the relationships I have with people whom I care about. My children. My family. With Sarah. With anyone. I have few friends, and the thought of losing any of them is not pleasant to say the least. Oftens seems like silence goes further to protect me than speaking out.

Yet I realize it is time I see more worth in my life in the few accomplishments I have had, and that some people would genuinely like to know about them. Even more is the fact that I can't continue to let fear control my life. Especially when it is fear of things I truly cannot control. If those things outside of my control wanted to damage my life or relationships, then they would find other ways to do so if they wanted to that badly.

I need to stop being afraid...

I also was very mad at myself last night as I spent 8 hours in computer lab with the intentions of doing homework, and I accomplished... nothing. I sat and read for hours on the City of Heroes official board site. Reading stupid posts about nothing in particular hoping to find the gold nugget of information about a game I love. I think I love it too much. It has officially caused me to do worse in school. I lose sleep because I play to much, and I have even skipped days at school to play online games. Time I could be using to do homework I waste away playing them. I can't do this. I berated myself last night as I was kicked out of the computer lab about how I wasted so much time I was wanting to dedicate to homework that needs to be done. Yet I kept saying "Just one more post... it will only take a minute". Those minutes add up damn fast, and became 8 hours. I was so mad at myself I have sworn off online games till I have my school life in order, and even then... I dunno. I can't have something as silly as an online game wrecking my life.

This is where it gets even better and I fail even more.

Things have been pretty tense between me and Sarah. Of the last couple weeks or so Kyle (her son) has been very sick, and eventually had to go to the hospital. So she is stressed out because of her son being sick, and I feel like I am no support to her at all in this. I feel like a fricking 3rd wheel, and causing more problems then being a help. What is worse is that school still demands my attention... and more so because I am behind in school work. (Which I end up procrasting on and not doing)

So I walk away from the lab a bit mad at myself and generally emotional, and I try to call her. I feel like talking with her will help me to calm down and get some perspective. Maybe admit to her I need to quit my habit (online games), and focus on school more. Honestly seeking support in my time of frustration...

So I call her cel phone... no answer, and I leave a message. I am confused and I decide to wait a bit and walk across campus and see if she calls back. Just missed the call. I walk on for a while slowly.

I call her cel phone again because there was no call back. Again no answer, and I leave a message.

This time I try to call her home phone. Now mind you... I am assuming she is home because kyle is still not 100% recovered, and I don't think she would leave him alone. Again no answer. I leave a message on the home phone.

Ok... now I am truly worried. This is when minor panic starts to set in, and I don't know what to think. Yet thanks to the power of self doubt and self defeat, I come up with some of the worst possibilities in my mind. Up to and including the notion of walking in on her with another man. (Hey... it happend to me before... why not?) There is nothing rational or sane about this. I decide to drive to her house to see what is happening, or what is wrong. I try very unsuccessfully to fend off various stupid notions flitting through my head.

The drive to her house is very long... 1 hour trip one way. She is rather literally on the other side of the city from me. Of course my silly imagination isn't getting any better during the trip...

Then my cel phone rings. It's Sarah. She says she saw my missed call on the cel and called back. She was at her college class, and her mother is watching Kyle at her place. It is a late class that goes from like 6pm to 10pm. Her cel was off or silent or some such. I feel immediately relieved... and immediately dumb. I decide to explain to her what I was doing, and why. She is a little disappointed in me I imagine for thinking some of the things I did, but I think she understood why.

The final present that my ex-wife gave me (whether she intended to or not) was self doubt and fear of betrayal. I would like to think I have grown beyond that, but last night was proof that I guess I had not. Yet to be fair... this is sorta going a bit into new area for me. I think for the first time since my marriage I have truly trusted someone and am in love with them. It is a pretty big thing, and my greatest fear... is losing it all over again. Worse so because of some failing of my own, and something that doesn't need to be. Thus I am left with uncertainty... and a fear that at times can feed on itself to become a great beast.

It really shouldn't need to be like that. I stayed at Sarah's place last night. I kinda needed to. It was reassuring, and help me to see that I my trust is still well founded and not misplaced. I was being silly. I imagine there will be a time again where I feel the fear of doubt and betrayal. It is quite like the monkey on my back so to speak. Yet with this event passed... I can find it easier to realise that nothing is amiss, and I just need to be more patient and see what is truly going on.

Patience... Love... Trust... Tolerance... Faith.
When did these things become so difficult for me?
Especially about someone I care about so much?

Sarah is not Laura. I can't say for sure that our relationship will always be perfect, or that it will work out and last forever. Yet I need to finally accept that regardless of where our relationship goes... It is her path she takes, and no one elses. She won't walk down the same path Laura did. She will find her own.

I just have to be patient somehow... and see where that leads us.
I need to stop failing so much, and I need to be willing to accomplish my goals in life.
No matter what they are...

x Jeremy M.